Advent blog: Letting Go

I am really bad at letting go.  It is one of the things that has most influenced my life.

I am bad at letting go of people and relationships.  Sometimes this is healthy and means I am able to stay in relationship with people even when they hurt me and I am angry with them.  Sometimes it means I allow people to emotionally abuse me for years before I can leave.

I am bad at letting go of anger.  I may forgive someone a transgression (even major), but I am never going to forget what happened.  Even something that seems very inconsequential for the other can stay with me and fester for a very long time.  Unfortunately this doesn't mean I have a great memory, I just have a great memory for things that hurt.

I am bad at letting go of bad habits.  Forming new habits is difficult, and I have managed to do it.  But when I do I need to keep at them and have a lot of accountability, otherwise I fear I will resume my bad habits.  This is the best explanation I have for why I don't take an "off season" from running/training.  I fear going back to total laziness.  I have not let go of my bad habits around food.

I am bad at letting go of my expectations, even when they aren't realistic.  Of myself, and of others.  I don't always communicate those expectations, but I can't let go of them.  Maybe part of my "joyful anticipation" in Advent should be the intentional practice of letting go of expectations.

I am bad at letting go of body shame.  You can't possibly make me feel any worse about my weight than I already do and have since I was a child.  It is not possible.  However, it is one thing for me to talk about my lard ass, it is quite another for you to call me fat or make me feel excluded based on body size.

Sometimes I am really good at letting go...

I am good at letting go of a job when it no longer feels like I am making a difference or when it becomes emotionally exhausting for reasons that have to do with relationships or systems.  That's why I haven't been with an employer for 5 years.

I am good at letting go of expectations others may have, societal expectations, that don't resonate with me.  I don't blow dry my hair...if I do it is because I don't want to deal with criticism I will likely encounter.  But really, it's my hair...why do you care if it's wet?  Or in a ponytail?  I don't wear makeup.  I don't find it empowering or that it makes me feel beautiful.  It's really just not my thing.  I look like a person, a child of God...I guess that should be good enough.  I am good at disregarding fashion in favor of comfort.  I own a dozen suits, but I rarely feel compelled to wear them.  I have let go of the expectation that professionals wear them (or heels).

I carry a lot of stress because of the things I have not been able to let go of.  I know it's not healthy to hang on to the things I hang on to.  I also know that it isn't just having enough faith or sucking it up that lets you let go.  I can only trust that with time I will be able to let go of more.